A blog? Did I seriously just start a blog? I’m an introvert who has always turned to writing to help me cope with my intense emotions, but rarely have I ever actually let anyone read my nonsense! And no, my CaringBridge journal doesn’t count because I tried to keep my emotions out of it. Well, mostly. I’m an overly sensitive person, so I hate putting myself out there. But I’ve written a few things over the last few days and feel like a blog may help me through the process of grieving.
(Just a warning that it may get really real at some point… I’m trying to be more transparent.)
My sweet Ryder Hudson would have been two weeks old yesterday. Sometimes minutes drag on for what seems like hours. Other times days have flown by in the blink of an eye.
As we prepare for Ryder’s memorial service on Sunday, my emotions are on high alert. I’m typically such a planner, but this…. How do you plan something like this? How do you plan a service that’s supposed to wrap up your baby’s existence into just an hour or so of time? My husband says we shouldn’t plan it as a service, but just a time to be together with those that have supported us through this journey. Maybe I should trust him and let it go. But that’s so hard for me! Everyone else says, “just plan it however it will help you in your grieving.” How am I supposed to know what will help? I’ve never done this before…
Yesterday morning I laid in bed until almost noon listening to music on YouTube, trying to pick songs for Sunday. As I cried through one particularly tough song, a friend messaged me, letting me know she was praying for me as we plan the service.
God always seems to send someone to our rescue in our tough moments. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” And boy, has he rescued us. He has been so faithful to us. I’ve seen many “angel moms” struggling with their faith after a loss and I feared that would happen to me. But how could I not remain faithful to God when he has remained so faithful to us through this process? I can’t imagine doing this without Him!
I have so many thoughts running through my head at all times and I can’t seem to get them all on paper. Hopefully I can get organized soon.
Thanks for taking this new journey with me!
With hope and love,