As I was driving around town today, Matthew West’s Forgiveness was playing on the radio. For some reason, the thought of forgiving God immediately popped into my head. And then I thought… “Is that even a thing???”
Maybe it should be a thing. I mentioned here that I’m not really angry at God right now… but I do blame Him.
Job 14:5 says, “A man’s days are numbered. You know the number of his months. He cannot live longer than the time You have set.”
Ryder’s days were numbered before his conception. God knew he wasn’t going to live here on earth with his mom and dad, but that he would instead live with his Father in Heaven.
God is to blame.
I’m not sad on Ryder’s behalf. I actually feel joy for him because he never had to suffer here. God took him Home before his illness could cause him pain. He’s livin’ it up, partying with Jesus on the streets of gold. What’s better than that?!
What I’m sad about is me.
I’m sad I only got to enjoy my first pregnancy for six months instead of nine. I’m sad I don’t get to feel baby kicks anymore. I’m sad I don’t get to hold my baby boy and watch him grow up. I’m sad I’ll never have his drawings hung on our fridge. I’m sad I’ll never get to embarrass him by kissing him on the cheek as I drop him off for school. I’m sad I’ll never get to dance with him at his wedding.
God is to blame for my sadness, my heartbreak.
And while I trust Him with my life, my soul… I know I need to work on forgiving Him. He let me down. He didn’t live up to my expectations. I need to learn how to forgive Him – not for His sake, but for mine. I have no idea what that will look like, but if I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
With hope and love,