Last night, while sitting in a local coffee shop, I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and came across a picture of Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from Fresh Prince) and his toddler son at a golf course. My instant reflex was to turn to my husband and say, “Look honey! That could be you one day!” It’s something I’ve said a million times since we’ve been married.
But as soon as I opened my mouth, my breath hitched. It hit me like a wave. The terrible heartache that comes with the sudden realization of yet another life moment that Ryder will miss out on.
So many life moments. So very many teeny tiny moments that I’d give anything to share with him.
Our friends talk about whether or not their babies are sleeping through the night, or needing to get a babysitter in order to get out of the house — conversations we don’t get to have.
Some days I wake up and just don’t feel like doing life. I just want to lay in bed and sleep until tomorrow comes. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I won’t be sad. Maybe tomorrow life won’t be so exhausting.
But I can’t stay in bed all day. Life will go on with or without me. And I’d rather not be left behind. There are friends to visit, meals to eat, errands to run, sunsets to see. I don’t want to regret the life I didn’t live. I want Ryder to be proud of me. I want him to know that I’ll be ok. And for the most part, I am.
I’m going to be ok.
With hope and love,