I’m trying to be more “present“.
I’ve always been a planner. Everything has to be scheduled. I don’t adapt well to changes in my routine.
In the wake of losing Ryder, there were many unscheduled or last-minute visitors. I welcomed them because I needed breaks from my sadness. A surprise visit from an encourager was a relief — a relief from the weight of my sadness — even if it lasted for only a few minutes.
A month and half has gone by and visitors are few and far between now. And that’s ok. But now I am having to make the effort to go. Since I haven’t returned to work yet, it is so easy for me to spend the day on the couch sleeping, eating, and binge-reading blog after blog.
And that’s ok sometimes.
But it’s not ok every day. For the last week or so, I’ve made a point to spend more time at my kitchen table than on the couch. I try to “get ready” every day, just in case something comes up. That way I can’t make excuses to stay home.
There are still some days when I can’t imagine leaving the comfort of my home. I just need to stay home and feel. (Grief can’t be ignored; it only gets louder if you try.) But for the most part, I feel ok getting out and about these days. It’s good for me.
My husband and I are two very different people. He’s an extrovert who always feels more at ease when there are people around. For me, the introvert, there are times when I feel that people are just so exhausting. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes my soul just yearns for the quiet. (Even if I’ve been in the quiet all day long.)
But I’m trying to be more open to “noise“. I’m finding that a little noise is good for me. Sometimes joy is noisy. Sometimes joy is louder than grief. Sometimes joy comes in the form of a too-loud restaurant or a house bursting at the seams with friends and their laughter.
So I’m trying to say a few more YESes than NOs when I’m exhausted and Hubby says, “Let’s call so-and-so and see if they want to hang out.”
With hope and love,