As I stood in the jewelry store, getting my wedding ring cleaned, I watched a blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler play as her parents picked out jewelry. “Such a happy girl,” I thought. Suddenly, she turned towards my direction and ran to me with open arms.
I laughed and picked her up as her momma frantically ran after her, trying not to lose sight of such a tiny girl in such a busy place. The mom, oblivious to the fact that I’d recently lost my only child, let me hold her and entertain her for a few moments until she was ready to move on to the next thing that attracted her bright, curious eyes.
My smile quickly faded as I let her go–thoughts swirling in my head of hopes and dreams that may never come to be.
People ask me often if we’ll try again any time soon. The truth is, I have no idea. There’s a constant battle between my head and my heart–neither of them knowing exactly which side they’re on. My inner monologue goes something like this:
Oh, let’s try again, please!
Um, no. You’re not finished grieving.
Well, I’ll never be “finished” grieving.
But what if you have another boy? That could be rough.
What if I DON’T have another boy? That could be just as hard.
Well, you’ve always wanted a girl.
Yeah, but I’d feel really guilty for being excited about a girl. Or any baby for that matter.
And there’s always a possibility that you won’t/can’t have anymore children…
It’s that last thought that tugs at my heart the strongest. What if I can never have another baby? (Don’t get me wrong–adoption is always on my mind. As a matter of fact, there’s a red-headed, freckle-faced teenager running around somewhere that will always have a piece of my heart. It just hasn’t been in God’s plan for her to be part of our family, no matter how hard I’ve prayed for it.) However, after experiencing pregnancy and holding my baby in my arms… I can’t imagine not at least trying for more biological children.
I often find myself starting (and quickly stopping) sentences like, “When we have kids, I can’t wait to…” Then, there’s no stopping the flood of other thoughts that follow. You can read more about my thoughts on that here.
I was really hoping I would get to the end of this and have some incredible insight to share with you–some word from God about how I’m getting through it. But, alas, here I am with no new wisdom, no encouraging word other than “hope“.
But then again, maybe that’s the only word I need, the only word we need. Hope.
With hope and love,